Posted by
Scott Ott on Wednesday, February 06, 2008 2:59:05 PM
by Scott Ott
As neo-lib presidential candidate John McCain heads for the Republican
nomination, and a November thrashing at the hands of Sen. Barack Obama or Sen. Hillary Clinton, conservatives across the land endure the dark night of the soul, wrestling with their consciences.
We reason in our hearts that at least Sen. McCain is right on fighting
terrorists in Iraq, though he would be kinder and gentler interrogating those who strap bombs to retarded women and remotely trigger them in public pet markets.
At least, President McCain would maintain Gen. David Petraeus' strategy for crushing al Qaeda door-to-door in the cities, and winning over the tribal leaders in the provinces.
At least, President McCain could stare down Iran's Ahmadinejad and North
Korea's Dear Leader. One can even hear him echo President Reagan's determined word to the Russian leader who sells nuke-tech to Iran: "Nyet!"
Of course, this doesn't assuage conservatives who feel they're watching from the beach as the prow of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan slips beneath the foam.
Even if some conservatives can rationalize their way into the booth in November, and can bring themselves to press the McCain icon on the touchscreen, it may not be enough. The straight-party Democrats can still beat him.
Recall that the inept, personality-free Sen. John Kerry did not get stomped by the marginally-conservative George W. Bush, and the unhinged former Vice President Al Gore actually won the popular vote. A Democrat-nominated inflatable porpoise would pull at least 49 percent of the popular vote in a general election. So, what chance does maverick McCain have against a ruthless machine like Hillary '08, or a well-organized, well-funded messianic movement like Obamamania?
Short story: Sen. McCain can't do it alone...but Team America could.
To bring principled fiscal, and social, conservatives into his campaign, Sen. McCain must take steps to neutralize his toxic flaws. The Team America strategy calls for the war hero to run as Commander-in-Chief, and to surround himself with Lt. Generals who compensate for his weaknesses in almost every other area.
Here's one potential roster for Team America.
Bring Fred Thompson on as vice president to serve as the Constitutional conscience of the administration -- an ideological gravitas behemoth -- who can do for President McCain what Dick Cheney has done for President Bush on foreign policy. Behind the scenes, Vice President Thompson offers President McCain private counsel, guided by our Founding Fathers, without drawing attention to himself. Mr. Thompson seems eminently qualified for such a role, eschewing publicity and advancing the cause which impelled him to mount his own White House bid.
Mike Huckabee has said that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney reminds voters of "the guy who laid them off." This is, of course, precisely the kind of guy we need to tame our bloated bureaucracy. With Mitt Romney as director of the Office of Management and Budget, we can expect streamlined processes, spending cuts, tax cuts, departmental reorganization, hierarchy flattening, technology-driven customer service advances, and the desperately-needed headcount reduction that OMB Director Romney will surely spin as "right sizing." President McCain would simply loosen the leash and say, "Go crunch that data, Mitt, and bring me your recommendations and a cholesterol-free budget."
Rep. Tom Tancredo, the stalwart champion of secure borders and respect for the rule of law, would naturally serve as director of U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services (formerly the INS). Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani could head up the Department of Homeland Security.
That leaves former Gov. Huckabee. You can't make him Secretary of Health and Human Services, because he'll ban smoking, trans-fats, salt and sugar, and create a massive new government program to fight obesity by forcing fat people to rebuild America's crumbling infrastructure. However, he would make an excellent chaplain of the Senate, where his daily prayers would stir the hearts, and wring out the eyes, of the sternest legislator.
While that last suggestion was a bit facetious, the rest constitutes my sincere recommendation -- one that Sen. McCain ignores at his own peril...and ours.
Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly daily news satire site, contributing author of the forthcoming book "The New Media Frontier" (Sept. 2008, by Crossway), and a dynamic public speaker available through Premiere Speakers Bureau.